“What we are dealing with now is nothing less than another Empire on the brink of collapse–more than likely of its own weight & twisted priorities. This process is already well underway. Everything Nixon stands for is doomed, now or later.

“But it will sure as hell be later if the best alternative we can mount is a generation of loonies who’ve given up on everything except a revival of the same old primitive bullshit that caused all our troubles from the start.” -Hunter S. Thompson

In a move that shocked faux-socialists everywhere Chairman Sanders went out on stage and officially endorsed none other than the Lizard Queen herself.

It was a sight to see, Sanders led in chains and forced to beg not only for his life but the lives of his devoted followers as Hillary watched from a chair made almost exclusively of Syrian children. “I have come here to make it as clear as possible why I am endorsing Hillary Clinton and why she must become our next president,” Sanders uttered under armed guard, “Secretary Clinton has won the

160944-Happy-Birthday-CatDemocratic nomination and I congratulate her for that.” Sanders would spend the next 45 minutes slowly assuring his armed party cadres around the country that this was exactly what he wanted, that all his talk of healthcare and socialism had been “window dressing,” simply too much to ask in these “dangerous times.”

The worst was yet to come however. As Hillary’s forked tongue began sniffing the air and tasting the tears of millions Sanders brokenly said “I intend to do everything I can to make certain she will be the next president of the United States.” Democratic Socialism, a new ideology that might have left a lasting impression on the political machinery of the United States, disappeared in an instant.

The political revolution was over. As Hillary made Sanders kneel tears could be seen dripping from his eyes. She stood on his back and unfurled her dewflap, alerting other members of her species the continental United States was her territory, winning her breeding rights and the official protection of any eggs she might lay under the Democratic Party banner.

What have we learned kiddos? Firstly, don’t ever doubt the Doctor. I called this shit when he announced his candidacyjust like I was right about armed combat breaking out in Dallas.  We wizards tend to have a good grasp of potential timelimes and those two were practically glowing. In fact, let’s look back and see my prediction on November 11th, 2015:

  1. He allows for Progressive elements to remain within the Democratic party rather than looking outside it. Hillary is no progressive; rather than look elsewhere (third party) these voters can remain Democrats.

  2. Bernie can act as a “vent” for the progressives, allowing Hillary to monitor what policies she should press that seem to do well with progressives and make good talking points. She can freely borrow what sells and leave what doesn’t. This is lauded as “shaping the argument.”

  3. Bernie restores the “radical edge” to the Democrats after the failure of Obama, the only Nobel Laureate to bomb another Nobel Laureate. Rather than focus on the shortcomings of electoral politics OR the fact that the Democrats were more than happy to push more war, they can get a “fresh unknown” to counter Hillary’s establishment image.

  4. When the convention picks Hillary (who I assure you has already been selected to win) Bernie will get on stage and tell the radical, “socialist” youth of the party they must stand with this Pro-War, Pro-Big Business, Pro-GMO candidate to keep away whatever vile crackpot the Republicans field.

Wow! I need to get down to the casino!

The wailing and gnashing of the Bernie faithful reminds me of children finding out for the first time that their parents will one day die. I infiltrated several Bernie groups but nobody wanted me to quote them for an interview, possibly because I was laughing at them. The Berners seem split into two groups: one group of religious fanatics are sure that this is all part of some super secret plan to get Bernie in the convention where….well, nobody really seems to know. Something about delegates and FDR, Jesus probably coming back to magically turn all the superdelgates into loaves of bread. We’ll call this group “Group A,” the “A” standing for autistic.

Group B has a firmer grasp on reality yet is literally drowning in tears.


Jill Stein, leader of the Green Party seemed equally as shocked at Bernie’s endorsement. “The revolution is now being stuffed back into a counter-revolutionary party,” she said adding “A lot of people who are feeling burned by the Democratic Party, who are not going to simply resign themselves to an election that offers them either a billionaire, one hand, or a cheerleader for the billionaires.”

We can only hope.

Now that Bernie’s come and gone perhaps the progressives can sober up and take a good hard look at what they hoped to achieve. Did they really think the Imperium would just give up the goose? That the CIA would stop funding ISIS because “things were different now?” The Bernie faithful honestly imagined one of the most bloodthirsty and war-hungry states in history would simply lie down and let a “political revolution” change things. They believed in a truly religious fashion that the good guys HAD to win, that the forces of evil would be swept away by the sheer joy and love they held in their hearts.

And yet here we are, Luke Skywalker holding hands with Darth Vader and promising the Sith vision is what’s best for the galaxy. Even Donald Trump couldn’t believe it.


Of course the Sandernistas were woefully unprepared for the full contact sport that is politics. Bernie, to his credit, tried to run a clean campaign, only reluctantly chiding the former first lady for her imperial policies. Hillary stole every primary she won. Bernie and his team didn’t just bring a knife to a gunfight, they brought a toothpick to a mafia sit-down and really thought they were going to run things.

Bernie fans, one question: how much more do you need to witness with your own fucking eyes before you come to accept that the game is rigged, that you don’t really run anything, that your votes DON’T MATTER?

I’m going to repeat this nice and slow for all the people in the back, okay? Your. Votes. Don’t. Matter. They don’t. Not at all, not even the slightest bit. The whole spectacle of voting exists to give the slaves the illusion they run things, kinda like a plantation master allowing his field-hands to vote on what color shirt he wears to church. You vote out of obligation, a form of social conditioning. Every 4 years they remind you of the favor your ancestors gave to you and you guiltily keep the machine going because you feel obligated. It’s called the Reciprocity Principle and con-men of both political and economic stripe use it every day. How powerful is it?

In 1974, sociologist Phillip Kunz conducted an interesting experiment. He mailed out handwritten Christmas cards with a note and photograph of him and his family to approximately 600 randomly selected people.

All of the recipients of the cards were complete strangers. Shortly after mailing the cards, responses began trickling in. All total, Kunz received nearly 200 replies. Why would so many people reply to a complete stranger? This is the rule of reciprocity at work….

In another notable study, researchers found that waiters received bigger tips if they gave patrons a mint along with their bill. When the waiters paused, made eye contact with the customers, and gave them a second mint while stating that the mint was especially for the patron, tips shot up by a whopping 20 percent.

Add life-long conditioning and ritualistic displays and you can get the people to do anything as long as they feel they owe it to somebody. Bernie was bound to fail because Hillary was chosen as successor long before the first ballot was cast. If he didn’t play ball he probably would have wound up dead, like many other corpses that have piled up around the Clintons. So they did what they do every election and put on a good show, just enough to keep the people complacent. And considering most of you will be voting for Hillary because we “can’t afford Trump” I’d say they’ve done a pretty good job.

What now? Well if Hillary is as cold and calculating as her dinosaur forebears she’ll probably tap Sanders as a VP pick. This would cement her victory in the election and allow her administration to do just about anything once in power. While she rains molten death on innocent children in the middle east she’ll wheel out Grandpa Sanders to open some school and ramble on about how “young people are our greatest investment.”

Compared to Putin literally telling western journalists we are heading for a nuclear war and China basically saying it will fuck up the US if it needs to the fact that anybody still takes this election seriously is hilarious. Everybody knows it’s rigged, everybody knows Sanders was never going to win, yet people can’t seem to shake the belief that somehow they need to vote. The American electorate has proven yet again that they do indeed love their servitude.

War, war never changes. Neither do American politics. Four years from now, when some bright new face arises to run interference for another establishment politician the people will join hands and cavort in joy and hope. “This time will be different,” they’ll say, “this time we’re going to win!”

I’m reminded of the Last Men in Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra: “People still fall out, but are soon reconciled- otherwise it spoileth their stomachs.”

The Sanders campaign was never anything more then a distraction, a ruse, and the endorsement of his bizzaro-world equivalent stands as an undeniable testimony to this fact.  It doesn’t matter what Sanders may have believed because his actions speak volumes. When Hillary snapped her fingers he rolled over faster than a Prius hit by a train. Have the American people learned anything? Of course not and the next election will be more of the same.

They say you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Hillary’s campaign has proven not only can you get America to drink the water but that you can take a shit in it right in front of them.

They’ll say no at first, but stick with it. Provided you make it clear in uneasy tones that this glass is the only option, they’ll gulp it down sooner or later, as long as you promise that the next one will be clean.

Just like you did every other time.




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